Photo Credit: Christina Louise
Have you ever tried to make a change or create a new habit only to realize that after just a few days you're feeling so much resistance that you're ready to just give up?
Well, say hello to your ego. No, no, not the “I think I'm the bomb.com” kind of ego. The ego I'm talking about is your sense of self, your perceptions, and your “programming”.
Our ego is made up of all of our upbringing, conditioning, and the “rules” we have learned along the way about how to be loved and accepted in the world - how to get our needs met. And ultimately it's about ONE thing - keeping you SAFE, which in ego talk means staying the same and staying in your comfort zone.
This is why making a change often comes with A LOT of internal pushback. It’s your ego trying to keep you in the same seemingly comfortable place that you've always been. It keeps you repeating the same old patterns on auto-pilot, so when you disrupt a pattern, you better believe your ego is gonna show up and have something to say about it!
This is where that feeling of being “stuck” comes from. You're thinking new thoughts and attempting new things while your ego is holding up a big red stop sign and screaming “Danger! Danger!” because this newness is not part of your programming. It feels unsafe to your ego EVEN IF it is the right thing for you.
If you are stuck in your stuckness, let me be very clear…you’re not feeling stuck because you are weak, or not good enough, or not confident enough or not brave enough. You’re feeling stuck because there is literally a tug-of-war going on between your conscious mind (the part that wants to change and knows it’s right) and your subconscious mind (where your ego and self-protective patterns live).
Photo Credit: Christina Louise
We DEEPLY desire transformation. That's consistent for all of us. We all want to be our best and most joy-filled selves. So we try and try to create change, only to fail more than we succeed. And every time we fail, we give ourselves proof that this BS belief that WE ARE a failure is true. (psych term = confirmation bias) But here’s the really sh*tty part, we take that failure on as an identity.
But your performance is not a direct line to who you are. Your performance is a reflection of your ego and subconscious patterns that are trying to keep you safe and the same. Your identity exists above all of that.
So the question then becomes - beyond my ego fears, who am I? What is my identity?
And to answer that, we have to start interacting with our fears, patterns, “limiting beliefs”, and stories, which in and of itself can be scary, especially if you’ve never done it before because choosing not to believe them anymore goes against how we've learned to function up until now. (Remember: NEW = SCARY to the ego) It brings up a fear that we humans have been conditioned to listen to that says…"stay safe", “don't rock the boat”, “what will they think?” It's really easy to get stuck here and convince yourself that it is safer to not draw attention to yourself, to not make other people uncomfortable, to not make the change… That's defaulting into old ways of being - aka living your life on autopilot.
No shame here. It's a choice that SO many people make because the process of UNLEARNING and choosing new beliefs, well, it's hard. And autopilot seems easy. That is, when you don't factor in the pain of staying the same anyway. But God calls us to much more than just living on autopilot. He calls us to move beyond all that stuff and be rooted in our identity and purpose.
Here’s the thing, we all have a history. We all have a past. We all have things that have happened to us, some big moments that we may be able to look back at, and combinations of small moments that built up over time. Regardless, we've all built patterns around those moments. We've put up walls. We've created defences. And now your ego is holding on to those patterns for dear life and convincing you that those patterns are you, and that your identity is found in your patterns. (Hint: it’s not true!)
So what do we do? We open our hearts and we get clear on WHO WE ARE, that's what! When we know who we are, our lens on life starts to shift. We can more easily disconnect our behaviour from our value. And then we can start to detach our identity from our behavioural patterns. That's where the soul-searching fun is! (Ok, well, it's mostly fun and also not so fun sometimes, but the transformation gets me all fired up).
How do you do that? Other than call me, which is totally an option, you need to start to answer this question: Who am I without my roles and titles? When I take them all away, what is left?
Start there. Stay curious. See what comes up.
Photo Credit: Christina Louise
Submission by:
Juli Wenger, The author of “Fired-up, Fulfilled, and Free - Know who you are. Get out of your own way. Live Your Purpose” (releasing May 31, 2022), a Certified and Internationally Credentialled Coach, Human Ecologist, Speaker, Podcaster, Certified Breathwork Facilitator, and student of the Enneagram. She is devoted to guiding impact-driven humans through their journeys to powerfully and courageously live out their callings.
